Why I got fired as the CEO of our family

I couldn’t understand why my wife couldn’t run our household like a business. It seemed pretty logical to me – and a lot more efficient. One evening, Tammy came to me in tears to tell me that she was having a hard time keeping up with our two preschool daughters and the chores, especially the laundry. I nodded my head sympathetically and pretended to listen. Actually, I was coming up with an awesome plan to help her be more efficient at keeping the skivvies and socks moving along in a smooth order. I was, in short – THE FIXER!

I carefully studied what she was doing and immediately found where Tammy could use my expertise. So, being the savvy corporate guy that I was, I created a spreadsheet and a process flow chart that showed her how the laundry should be done. Proudly, I presented the documents to her and explained how they were going to make her a better homemaker. I’m not quite sure how to describe the expression on her face. Her eyes seemed distant, like she was so overwhelmed by gratitude that she didn’t know what to say. She took the documents and slowly walked away. I’m not sure what happened to the paperwork.

As the girls got older, I saw how I could help Tammy get control of our chaotic household. Our little darlings seemed to be getting the best of her and I saw how she could bring some much needed discipline to the place. I mean, they were sweet little daughters, for crying out loud. How much trouble could they be? I explained to Tammy that all she had to do was create a priority list, methodically do the chores and check them off. Oh, and make sure to delegate more to the kids. They need to do more to carry their share of the load. Voila! Easy-peasy! It was a good thing she married a guy with a head for business.

I got my chance to showcase how to run the household like a Swiss watch. Tammy was going to spend most of Saturday away on some kind of activity with the women in our church. Before she went, I asked her to do what I’d advised – write out a list for me and I’d take it from there. There’s nothing like a demonstration to make a convert out of her. On her way out the door, she looked at me and laughed hysterically. Poor girl. She really did need a break.

“Okay, kids, watch and learn,” I said. “The first thing you’re going to do is clean up your room.” This would be a good test because their bedroom floor pretty much looked like the inside of a Goodwill box. The girls raced to their room and slammed the door shut so hard that the house shuddered. Eager beavers! That was a good sign. I considered opening their door so I could keep an eye on them but I thought, “Why should I hover over their shoulder? I need to show that I trust them, like I sort of do at work with my employees.”

While the girls were busy tackling their room, I started cleaning the kitchen. I got about two forks put away when I heard a loud crash in their room. I threw open the door and found the hamster squealing and running around in circles, obviously in a state of shock. Its cage was crumpled on the floor and our youngest girl was sitting in the midst of the debris. It turns out she had watched the “The Boy Who Could Fly” on TV and thought she could fly, too. She had jumped off the top bunk, landed butt-first on the cage and sent the hamster into a catatonic fit. Thank goodness our daughter was no worse for wear except that her landing gear was a bit bruised.

Well, that took care of the first 15 minutes. By the time Tammy came home several hours later, she was obviously well-rested. I didn’t know where the girls were. Didn’t want to know. The priority list was floating around in the toilet. And the hamster and I were sitting on the floor together, both of us laughing – and crying – hysterically.

I think I’ll go into the office for a rest.

Note 1: Tammy reminded me that I’d better say that she’s always been an outstanding homemaker (which she is!) and that if I failed to say it I’d have to do my own laundry.

Note 2: If you’d like to read more of my humor, feel free to check out my “More Stuff” page where I’ve provided links to several of my humor articles that were published in the Deseret News, Utah’s largest daily newspaper. You can also click on the “Humor” box below and all of my humor posts on this website will come up.